Depression is a disease. I do have a few tips and tricks for getting through, but to be honest I have no clue how I got through the worst days. I just know that I did, and that’s the best advice I could give.
This last time hit me very hard. It went on for 5 months or a little more, and I had forgotten how low you can feel. My loved ones told me the only thing they could which is to keep trying, and to keep doing things.. and that is the only way to get through it. But to be honest, unless you are in that state yourself it is very hard to understand the power that depression has over your mind and body.
I remember many days, feeling pain. Feeling like it was the hugest thing to just be able to move my body around.. like it was heavy. I had weeks where I would stay in bed until 12, just to get up and move to the couch. My mother made my meals most times, and when I fed myself it was mostly garbage that gave me temporary pleasure. I craved that bit of pleasure because I was so low. I gained 25 pounds. And I know how pathetic this may all sound, but this is the reality of depression. It steals you from yourself. You have to understand that for these 5 months, there was such a small amount of things that actually felt in my control. Thoughts, yes, you can keep them positive, but I was battling feelings. Have you ever felt buzzed from being happy? Or shaken with adrenaline and anger? Then you know what I mean. Depression is a consistent, physical feeling of sadness that demands your attention.
But then it fucking stops. That’s the fucking thing. One day.. you win. I remember when I was coming out of suicidal thoughts the first time, and when I started to get better. I would have these moments. Dancing with my friends at grad cruise, I can visualize what my eyes beheld, as I thought “maybe I can stick around a little longer. This moment is so perfect, I’d miss the moments like this.” And you start to have more of these moments that make you feel this way.. and it’s because life is always worth it. You were just feeling like it wasn’t. So when your brain finally starts to recover, it’s like what Cameron’s Nonni told me, that afterwards, you really notice how happy you actually are. And that’s so fucking powerful, because regardless of your feelings, the notion that happiness is always a place you can return to, is a fact.
We are not our feelings, my friends, we are the things is life that we choose. Please lift yourself up for what you can control, and resist getting down on yourself for the things that you can’t. Hang in there, always.
Love from yours,
The rainstorm canvas<3<3<3
