On depression’s dissipation

Depression is a disease. I do have a few tips and tricks for getting through, but to be honest I have no clue how I got through the worst days. I just know that I did, and that’s the best advice I could give.

This last time hit me very hard. It went on for 5 months or a little more, and I had forgotten how low you can feel. My loved ones told me the only thing they could which is to keep trying, and to keep doing things.. and that is the only way to get through it. But to be honest, unless you are in that state yourself it is very hard to understand the power that depression has over your mind and body.

I remember many days, feeling pain. Feeling like it was the hugest thing to just be able to move my body around.. like it was heavy. I had weeks where I would stay in bed until 12, just to get up and move to the couch. My mother made my meals most times, and when I fed myself it was mostly garbage that gave me temporary pleasure. I craved that bit of pleasure because I was so low. I gained 25 pounds. And I know how pathetic this may all sound, but this is the reality of depression. It steals you from yourself. You have to understand that for these 5 months, there was such a small amount of things that actually felt in my control. Thoughts, yes, you can keep them positive, but I was battling feelings. Have you ever felt buzzed from being happy? Or shaken with adrenaline and anger? Then you know what I mean. Depression is a consistent, physical feeling of sadness that demands your attention.

But then it fucking stops. That’s the fucking thing. One day.. you win. I remember when I was coming out of suicidal thoughts the first time, and when I started to get better. I would have these moments. Dancing with my friends at grad cruise, I can visualize what my eyes beheld, as I thought “maybe I can stick around a little longer. This moment is so perfect, I’d miss the moments like this.” And you start to have more of these moments that make you feel this way.. and it’s because life is always worth it. You were just feeling like it wasn’t. So when your brain finally starts to recover, it’s like what Cameron’s Nonni told me, that afterwards, you really notice how happy you actually are. And that’s so fucking powerful, because regardless of your feelings, the notion that happiness is always a place you can return to, is a fact. 

We are not our feelings, my friends, we are the things is life that we choose. Please lift yourself up for what you can control, and resist getting down on yourself for the things that you can’t. Hang in there, always. 

Love from yours,

The rainstorm canvas<3<3<3

On going insane and why you are not alone

In this modern time of stress and drugs, I wanted to make a quick note about something no one ever talks about.
3 in every 100 people are reported as experiencing a psychotic episode at least once in their lifetime. This means that if you have mental illness genetics and are under stress, or if substances are a part of your life, you could be at risk for this illness.
The most common age when symptoms of psychosis first begin is 18-24 years old. I have experienced psychosis first hand and know just how scary it is. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my grade 12 year, and have been hospitalized for psychotic episodes twice in my life.
But it doesn't have to get that serious. Through this journey I have learnt how to know myself and live life to the best way I can, by learning how to take care of myself. Please know that life-changing help is available, easy, and inexpensive (covered by BC healthcare).
**For anyone using substances: did you know that amphetamine drugs can cause psychosis, in some people, even if they don't have a history of mental illness in their family? Did you know that Molly (MDMA) is an amphetamine?
In case of emergency (you are going to hurt yourself or others), always call 911. You will be protected, I promise.
If you are interested at all, I urge you to read more. You can get info about symptoms and BC's EPI program (which I was in for two years) here:
https://www.earlypsychosis.ca

You are never, ever alone. Help is out there.
-Love Rachel

On the topless women of Shambhala Music Festival

I went to shambhala this year and saw a lot of topless women. These women had many different types of boobs (or breasts, if you will) of varying shapes, colours and sizes. As a part of the body that is so overly sexualized and idolized in our society, it was quite comforting to see so much beauty in the diversity. Everyone's boobs were lovely. And to be honest I was thinking, "hey, this means my boobs are lovely too." It was empowering and refreshing to have them out simply as a body part, an arm or a leg, that no one could say  was better or worse. It was really the kind of body normalization and love that I feel is needed for the western world.

On optimism in conversation and perspective

Imagine this, everyday you walk to work with your head down. When you arrive at your destination and begin to socialize, you start to complain, "There is so much concrete in this part of town, everything is boring and grey." You get several nods from your coworkers. Some even chime in with synonyms of their own, "It makes everything look so cold! Why don't they ever do anything to fix that?" It brings brief comfort to hear these harmonic chimes aligning with your own perspectives. It's almost like you feel a connection to these other people, a connection only shared experiences can bring. The ground is something they see every morning as well. 

But contrary to what you notice, a few others look at you with questioning eyes. They wonder why these are the words you speak every morning. Today they left their house looking above, ahead and around. They were met with a smile from a willow that weeped only with beauty, a stranger whose tired eyes crinkled a defiantly kind hello, and a sky turning blue just after being soaked in an early sunrise. 

And yet, when they arrived at work they did not speak of willows, hellos and sunrises. When listening to common conversation, the only thing they heard was concrete, boring and grey. They began to think it was only okay to discuss such uninspiring things. And so the coworkers worked with the memory of their morning's loveliness locked inside their head, thinking how concrete, boring and grey the world sounded that day. This was unfortunate, because this was not the only shared experience within the room.

It is very common within our society's conversations to speak negatively when topics arise. It is something everyone does, so perhaps it seems like less of a risk. Perhaps in a quest to feel liked we look for common ground in hate, which is far easier to harbour and express. But what feels a lot better than that is to share our love of the world with others, the things that make us happy. Imagine that. :-)

-love the rainstorm canvas <3

On my year off from school

The big ol' gap year has come and gone and now I can take a reflective breath. 

It is good, as a human being, to put yourself in different situations. We have a very long life that we have been given and I think that we are taught to think too narrowly of it. There are literally millions, and billions, of things you could end up doing. Every one you choose to partake in will be valuable to you. I promise. At the time, it may seem like the wrong decision, or maybe you get lucky; it feels just right. But two things are for certain: you will never know unless you try, and you will always pick up some wisdom from life. 

Life is too vast to be so hard on ourselves... to think that the pressure to stick to one thing is valid. So what if we don't follow a plan? Fug it. Follow your bliss and follow your heart. You'll have more fun and be happier. This doesn't always mean school for everyone, and I want you to know that that's okay.

Respecting opportunities that offer change and adventure is not just young human decision. I have learnt this year that through your entire life you have the ability to choose.(!!!) You should always be aware of the freedom that you have. What is stopping you from having the life you want? Quite often, the only answer is ourselves. What it takes is making a choice, and having the courage or naivety to go for for it. (Plus some hard work, this goes without saying.) 

I took a year off because it seemed like the best thing to do, and that's the only real reason. This year has given me lots, and I am very grateful.

There was never such thing a gap year, only another year lived in full.

-the rainstorm canvas, rachel:)

On seeing the 1975 live

A week ago I saw my favourite band live, and I'm not ashamed to say that it was an amazing experience. The band which I love dearly is The 1975. If you haven't had a chance to listen, they're definitely one to check out. 

The art that these people have created has spent so much alone time with me; bus rides and summer nights, road trips and winter mornings. I have had conversations with countless people about it, I really don't mean to come across as a fan girl... Buuuutttt sometimes it just happens.  oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

...and that's because this is the type of art that seeps into your life, it makes you feel comforted to be around. That's why this concert was so cool. That night felt so intimate and right. I felt incredibly included in the artists' emotions and I think that is so, so important in our world. I love art that gives you details and tells you secrets like you are a trusted friend. Seeing it live was as spiritual as you could give anything else credit for. 

So I spent the night in a trance. I don't think I've connected with a concert in such a unique way. It was wonderful and emotionally rounded, all brought to be by the hard work and whole life that the band has put into the production, their album and their art. And as for myself, I was mesmerized, inspired, and radically glad to be there.

On choosing not to settle

“Think about how many people in the world aren’t doing what they love because they settled for something else.” Something that seemed easier, or made more money, or took less time to prepare for… something that was less of a risk. This conversation came up between me and a friend tonight and I wanted to share.

I am at the age of eighteen right now, most of my friends are already in or are thinking about starting university. Many of them are faced with the terrible fear of going into an area of study that won’t turn out a degree that translates directly into a career. It’s stuff like the Arts, where we have that back up plan of, “if all else fails I can become a teacher.” It’s areas that we absolutely love learning about but have no clue how to turn it into a sustainable career. Too many people are told to sacrifice what they love for their back up plan, told to prioritize this obvious second choice. But I don’t think we should. 

Here is the true meaning of “Love conquers all”: when you have a passion for something, you will make it work. I don’t think it has to be your hobby. I don’t think it has to be your dream job, only captured in fantasies lived out when you are too brain dead to stay up another night, studying the same subjects you are truly not interested in.  I think it can be the reality that you work towards, and most importantly I think that what you choose to make a living with, should actually align with your idyllic way of life.

Our world is greatly expanding. I promise you that there is room for you to do what you love. Don’t look at how many people are making it happen for themselves now, focus on what you know will make you happy and go after it. 

-lotsa love from me, the rainstorm canvas. :-)